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Behaviour

What is challenging behaviour?

Parenting is an incredibly rewarding and challenging experience. At times, it can feel like a real roller coaster of emotions – particularly if your child or young person is behaving in ways that feel difficult to manage or understand.

Most children and young people will behave in challenging ways at some point.

Because we develop our ability to manage our emotions as we grow up, children and young people do sometimes act out when they’re going through big feelings. In response to their emotions, they may display a range of behaviours. It’s normal for younger children to hit or ‘have a tantrum’ sometimes. And it’s normal for teenagers to shout, lash out or storm out sometimes. Most children and teenagers will also push boundaries as they test their independence.

But sometimes, challenging behaviour can become more frequent and difficult to deal with. It may start to have an impact on someone’s day-to-day quality of life, on relationships and learning at school, and on other family members.

Examples of challenging behaviour:

Having lots of angry outbursts or “tantrums”
Regularly shouting, swearing, hitting, biting or kicking
Kicking, hitting, smashing or damaging things in the home
Regularly refusing boundaries and routines, including not wanting to respond to reasonable requests
Being impulsive and taking physical risks
Blaming others for their behaviour
Bullying or being unkind towards others
Persistently getting into trouble at school
Refusing to engage in conversations about what is going on

Why do children and young people behave in challenging ways?

The way your child behaves is a communication about how they’re feeling.

When your child is acting out, it can be helpful to think about the image of an iceberg. We only see the top of an iceberg because most of it is underwater. Similarly, when your child is behaving in challenging ways, there will be feelings going on under the surface that you cannot see. Your child may not be aware of these feelings and may need your help to talk about them.

Underneath their behaviour, a child or young person may be feeling angry, tired, stressed, anxious, confused, hurt, jealous, bored or something else. Whatever’s going on, try to remember that the behaviour you see on the surface is not the whole story.

Talking to your child about their behaviour

If your child is acting out, starting a conversation about what’s going on can often feel like the hardest bit. Your child might not want to talk, or they might find it hard to recognise that there is a problem.

Starting a conversation while doing an activity together is a good strategy to try. This can help your child to relax by making it feel like less of a ‘big chat’. Depending on your child’s age, you could go for a walk, cook or bake together, or do something creative like colouring. Or you could start a conversation while travelling somewhere together.

If your child cannot talk at the moment, you could start a conversation by text or write them a letter instead. Whether you’re talking in-person or in another way, the following tips below can help you to have a positive conversation with your child

Use Simple Phrases:

“I notice there is a lot of shouting happening.”
“I think something might be upsetting you.”
“I feel worried you’re not happy.”
“I need you to know you can talk to me about what’s going on.”

Make it clear that the behaviour is the problem, not them or their feelings:

Be specific about the behaviour you have noticed, without using labels or negative words such as “naughty”, “bad behaviour” or “horrible.” Tell your child that it is normal to feel angry, frustrated or upset but it is not okay to express it in this way. Tell your child that it is normal to feel angry, frustrated or upset, but it is not ok to express it in this way.

Explain why the behaviour is not ok:

It’s important for your child to understand why their behaviour is not okay. For example, you might say that while it’s normal to feel angry, it hurts other people when they hit, or it hurts your feelings when they shout at you.

Be Curious, empathetic and non-judgemental:

Try to understand things from their perspective. Let them know that it’s okay to feel however they feel, whether that’s sad, angry, worried or something else.

Reassure them:

Reassure them that you love them and you want to help them feel happier and enjoy things again.

Helping your child to manage their behaviour

Having some behaviour management strategies in mind can help you to feel more confident. Below are some things you can try to help your child manage their behaviour. Have a go at some different strategies until you find what works for you and your child.

Set clear boundaries and routines

It’s important to set clear boundaries and stick to them as much as you can. You could do this by creating a family agreement together. This can cover things like screen-time, family meals and times for getting up and going to bed.

Follow through on consequences

Give a warning before giving the consequence. This allows your child an opportunity to change their behaviour. After the consequence has been given and your child has calmed down, chat together about what happened. Then ‘wipe the slate clean’ and find time for a positive interaction with them soon after.

Give positive praise

Notice and encourage them when they show the kinds of positive behaviour you have asked for.

Support them to find a strategy that helps calm them down

You may want to try activities such as drawing or painting, getting active/doing something sporty, listening to music, reading, cooking/baking, using playdough/Lego

Help your child to understand and name their feelings

The more we can express ourselves and feel understood, the less likely we are to act out. For example, you might say, ‘I wonder if you felt really disappointed when we could not go to the park this morning because you were looking forward to it’.

Help your child to recognise when they are getting overwhelmed eg “seeing red”, heart beating fast, clenching their fists, feeling restless etc…

They can then use these as signs that they need to choose a strategy that helps them to calm down

Try to stay calm

It is normal to feel angry or frustrated when faced with challenging behaviour. However, if you feel yourself running out of patience and it is safe to do so, it’s okay to walk away for a few minutes to calm down.

Spend quality time with your child

This will help build a more positive atmosphere and relationship between you.

Talk to your child’s school or collage

Share your concerns with your child’s teacher. It may be the case that your child’s teacher has found something that works to manage your child’s behaviour in school which may also work at home.